How can you make this message more courteous, positive, and precise?

YOUR TASK. Analyze the message and list at least five writing faults. Pay special attention to its tone. Your instructor may ask you to revise the message so that it reflects some of the expert writing techniques you learned in this chapter. How can you make this message more courteous, positive, and precise? In addition, think about using familiar words and developing the “you” view.

To: All Staff
From: Sybil Montrose <[email protected]>
Subject: Problematic Online Use by Employees
Cc:
Bcc:
Attached: E-Mail and Internet Policy
Once again I have the decidedly unpleasant task of reminding all employees that you may NOT utilize company computers or the Internet other than for work-related business and essential personal messages. Effective immediately a new policy must be implemented.
Our guys in IT tell me that our bandwidth is now seriously compromised by some of you boys and girls who are using company computers for Facebooking, blogging, shopping, chatting, gaming, and downloading streaming video. Yes, we have given you the right to use e-mail responsibly for essential personal messages. That does not, however, include checking your Facebook or other social accounts during work hours or downloading shows or sharing music.
We distributed an e-mail policy a little while ago. We have now found it necessary to amplify and extrapolate that policy to include use of the Internet. If our company fails to control its e-mail and Internet use, you will continue to suffer slow downloads and virus intrusions. You may also lose the right to use e-mail altogether. In the past every employee has had the right to send a personal e-mail occasionally, but he must use that right carefully. We don’t want to prohibit the personal use of e-mail entirely. Don’t make me do this!
You will be expected to study the attached E-Mail and Internet policy and return the signed form with your agreement to adhere to this policy. You must return this form by March 1. No exceptions!

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